There’s an elephant in the room and we do not dare to acknowledge it. We do not articulate our fears. We hold back, each wondering how the other is feeling. We consider each other; we watch each other’s expressions, trying to read their thoughts; we skirt the topic; we wonder to ourselves, “Is now the right time to talk about the inevitable?” And we ponder the thought of seeing in black and white, or hearing out loud, the word ‘dying’.
John is brave and brings the topic up. We start to talk about seeing friends for one last time; what the wake should look like; how we should all remember him; how much longer we have left together and how we might spend that time.
I say that we should spend our time in, and with, love. Try to savour the moments we have. Reflect on the good times we’ve had. Thank the Lord for our many blessings and make our peace.
John agrees. But he frets. He’d like to finish the Lotus – some gubbins or other is dingle-dangling and needs a bracket. He’s bought the metal and he’s got the plan. He’d like to have a whacking great big celebration for our Golden Wedding Anniversary but that’s next July and he thinks he won’t be here.
I offer solutions: for the Lotus, draw your plans and oversee A.N. Other making and fitting the bracket. And for our anniversary? Well, we realise that over the last 12-18 months we have actually seen everyone we would have invited to celebrate with us. So, we’re not doing anything. John’s habit of missing significant wedding anniversaries has a precedent. Remember our 25th? Hehe!
We confirm our choices: to enjoy the people we have around us; treasure the memories we’ve made, in whatever time is available; and make more memories – as happy as they can be – before ‘the inevitable’ crosses our threshold.
And we hold each other very, very tight.
Take care everyone. Hold your loved ones close. God bless.
Once John had arrived at Heartlands on Monday, it took them until midnight to the following day to transfer him to a ward. Meanwhile, the medics were reviewing the situation….
“The MRI scan shows that there’s a tumour on the vertebra, L3,” explained the apparently 16-year-old doctor to John. “It’s causing the disc to bulge and press into the spinal cord. This is why you’ve got pain and you’re going off your legs.” Ah…….what could be done? we wondered. The neurosurgeons said surgery was not possible. “We’re waiting for the oncology team to let us know whether radiotherapy is an option,” she continued.
So we waited all day yesterday and by the time I left the hospital at tea-time, we had heard nothing. However, about seven in the evening, John phoned me up to tell me that an ambulance would be trundling him across to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital and they’d do a spot of radiotherapy today.
Regrettably, I wasn’t on hand to visit and hold John’s hand. Before he’d gone into hospital on Monday, I had arranged for Paul to come across and keep John company from 8 until 6 while I had a spa day with Anita. Pete and Dawn had bought me a voucher for my 70th birthday last year and it was coming up to its expiry date. I’d asked Anita some months ago if she’d come with me and we’d provisionally agreed a date, and then finally settled on today.
“I’ll need you tomorrow,” said John, “to be with me at the QE.” Ah…… for a minute, I thought I’d be cancelling my trip out. However, when I asked the ol’ man if he wanted me to cancel the spa day, a very firm “No!” came back. “You go and relax,” he said.
So I went to the spa with Anita and we had a marvellous time, thank you very much. Paul was golden and went across to catch up with his Dad as he got back from the QE about 4 o’clock, and stayed until just after seven, which helped John no end.
Apparently the radiotherapy went OK, although it made John feel a bit sick. He’d also had some pain on the way back in the ambulance because it was a bumpy ride and the morphine wasn’t quite up to scratch. He was very tired when I was chatting to him on the phone this evening.
Initially, when John was languishing in A & E, it looked like he might be discharged on Wednesday. Hahaha…..On Tuesday night, just as he got to the ward, John fell. Hmmmm…. just onto his knees, but nevertheless, the porter reported the incident to the nursing staff and a black mark was put against his name.
On Wednesday morning, John decided to take a shower – only to find that his legs wouldn’t hold him up and he had another tumble. Another black mark….which led to the comment by one of the staff (or was it the doctor?) that John would need a hospital bed at home. “We’ll keep him here for a few more days,” she said, as she sped off to another patient.
So that’s where we are – awaiting developments and contemplating mortality.
John’s favoured mode of transport these days seems to be an ambulance. For once, I haven’t gone with him, warned by the Paramedics that there would be a very long queue at Heartlands. And so it has turned out. John set off just after 7 o’clock and is still not inside the building as a I write at 20 past 10.
The MacMillan Nurse, Andrea, came to see us today and, based on the various symptoms we talked about, she said there were one or two red flags. Oh. She said she’d go and discuss John’s case with colleagues and phone us to let us know the outcome.
Half an hour later, Andrea phoned to say she’d organised an ambulance to take John to hospital. She suspects that John has compression of the spine, so an MRI scan is to be taken and decisions to be made as to what to do next. Well, they will make those decisions no doubt, whenever John manages to cross the hallowed portals of Heartlands, anyway!!
I found it difficult to stay at home and wave him off but, when I asked him if he wanted me to go with him, he said, “No.” I do hope they look after him.
Paul came over and kept us company for a while, which was lovely – and he, too, suggested that an early night might more helpful to me than sitting in a queue of patients and ambulances through to the early hours of the morning. So I acquiesced and am off to bed.
I had planned to write about the lovely times we’d had with the family over the weekend, but there we are. Hospital talk yet again.
John was perked up a bit yesterday when Harry, his ‘chap-for-a-chat’ from MacMillan, came in the morning. I don’t know what they find to talk about, but they manage two hours’ worth every week.
Whilst John was occupied with nattering, knowing that he was well-looked after, I took myself off to yoga class, which brightened me up.
At lunchtime, Paul came to keep John company while I went to my Mum’s cousin’s house for lunch. I thought my days of ‘ladies wot lunch’ were over, but with Paul ministering to John’s every whim, I knew a couple of hours out would be just lovely. Jenny, Mum’s cousin by marriage, had invited another of Mum’s relatives round and she thought it would be nice to get-together. I was keen to see them as they hadn’t been able to get to the funeral, so I wanted to share the day.
We had a slap-up lunch and a glass of wine, so I came home replete and ready for a nap. John, apparently, had been napping most of the afternoon…
Bless him, Paul did a few jobs for us whilst John was otherwise engaged – either chatting or inspecting the back of his eyelids – and so I was delighted to come home to my long list and be able to cross some of the jobs off. Satisfying, isn’t it? Even if I hadn’t done the jobs myself!!
“What have we got planned for tomorrow?” John wanted to know. “No plans,” I replied. “Although Michael wondered if we’d like a visit from him and the boys whilst Danielle goes to the hairdressers for her birthday treat?” Oh, yes, please. John was definitely up for that!
So today was filled with lots of fun, cuddles, chuckles and riding up and downstairs on the stair lift. Thomas was feeling a lot better, although is still needing soft food and Calpol. Ice cream? Yes please! Rice pudding? Yes, please!
Oliver was his usual cheeky self, inspecting all of my cupboards and re-arranging the ornaments. He certainly wasn’t interested in the toys – unless Thomas was playing with them, of course!
The children had brought their wellies so, when it was time to walk up to the Post Office to post a letter, it was splash, splash wherever they could find a puddle. Just great fun.
After the family had gone home, we rested a bit; watched TV; chatted a bit and had our tea. John talked about all the other people that were in the house. Someone upstairs, tidying up; someone talking on the phone; someone standing just to his right. All lovely people and all imaginary. Ah…. the joys of morphine, eh?
We started watching the New Zealand vs Argentina rugby match this evening but gave up at half-time, realising that it was a foregone conclusion. But really, Argentina should be so pleased with their success at this World Cup – they’ve done really well. Just waiting for tomorrow’s slaughter now…..
Take care everyone. God bless. Halloween is on its way – got your pumpkins ready?
We had guests yesterday – Carol and John, and Pete and Dawn came round – which is just what John wanted. He did his best to keep up with the chatter and enjoyed the company, but both couples could see that he was struggling a bit with controlling his pain, so they left reasonably early – which left us to the task of pill-popping to try and ease the agony.
He was too tired and too much in pain to even show John B his Lotus. “Next time,” we said. “Next time.”
In addition to coping with guests, there was also an underlying anxiety all day. Thomas had had an accident on Monday and was nee-nawed to Walsgrave Hospital. It was one of those accidents that you fear may happen. Poor Thomas was absent-mindedly sucking on a pipe that was for building a tent, and had fallen. Consequently, his soft palate fell victim.
Surgery was called for yesterday morning which, naturally, made us all anxious, but it went OK and Thomas was discharged in the afternoon. Soup, jelly and ice-cream are now on the menu…..
After a very full-on few days, John wondered what our plans for today were. “We don’t have anything in the diary,” I said, “Let’s just relax and take it easy.” John agreed. He was feeling exhausted.
But ha! Relaxing and taking it easy is easier said than done. Despite an increase in the meds yesterday, John’s pain is still evident and so most of the day has been spent trying to sort out the right level of medication. A phone call to the Macmillan Nurse tomorrow, I think.
We opted out of the babysitting duties that we had scheduled for this evening as well as opting out of Quiz Night. John went to bed at half past eight. I’m hoping he gets a reasonable night’s sleep.
One bright moment in our day though, was an unexpected visitor at lunchtime. Andrew called in. He was driving back from London – via the Midlands to Wales – and thought he’d drop in, put a load of washing on, have a cuppa and a kip before setting off again. We had a little while with him, but he slept for much of the afternoon, having had a heavy weekend with fellow chefs in London, preparing a banquet at the Lords’ Cricket Ground yesterday. Perked John up a teeny bit.
In an attempt to regulate pain relief for John, I got up early this morning to make sure that his regular dose of the slow-release morphine and paracetamol were administered early enough so that pain wouldn’t emerge during the morning. Ha! In my dreams.
John had slept through and not picked up his night-time paracetamol, which meant that he’d gone ten hours without anything. He felt fine for an hour or so but then pain kicked in and so the morphine bottle came out – a similar pattern to yesterday, really, with a top-up half-way through the morning. “We need to chat to Julie,” said John, referring to the MacMillan nurse, “to check on doses and what to expect. I am not enjoying this….”
No, it’s not best to be struggling, is it?
Anyway, the ol’ man felt a bit better by the time that Dave and Chris arrived, and we spent a very enjoyable few hours in their company. A spot of lunch, a good old natter and cake! Once again, Chris came up trumps and brought us coffee and walnut cake – one of my favourites. She had been thinking of us, too, and trying to read between the lines. What do the Sleaths need? She came up with a chicken casserole – well, what a good idea! Saves me having to think or cook from scratch for a day or two.
Dave acted as chauffeur this afternoon and transported John to the surgery for his hormone injection, leaving Chris and me to have a good gossip. That was nice for me – not so nice for John.
Naturally, John was keen to show Dave the Lotus, and Dave was keen to see it, so they spent a little while in the garage admiring the handiwork and generally re-living their youth.
Once Dave and Chris left, the slump set in and pain emerged with a vengeance. Poor John has been struggling most of the evening and finally, at half past eight, said he was off to bed. I conned my list of drugs to make sure I’d done everything that could be done, and offered a half-dose of morphine as he settled into bed. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that that will settle things down. We’ll see.
Another day of ups and downs really, but so lovely to see dear friends who offer us so much support.
Neither John nor I were up to much this morning and we sat downstairs, goggling the box until our eyes were square. “I need to go and buy milk,” I said – over and over again, while all the while still sitting on my bum until it was nearly numb.
John, meanwhile, was struggling and in discomfort for much of the morning. The morphine came out but even that didn’t work straight away, and a second dose had to be administered.
Finally, about lunchtime, John felt a bit better and I got out into the sunshine to toddle up to the shops for the milk.
We were expecting the family this afternoon for birthday celebrations – and I literally only had to buy milk. Danielle had bought most of the grub for the birthday tea, and Paul had bought the rest.
Danielle had also made the cake and she shared a photo of it early this morning, with two little boys, having helped the process by licking out the bowl, looking as excited as I don’t know what! Nothing more exciting than Daddy’s birthday, eh?
The Kenilworth Newbies arrived mid-afternoon and Danielle got on with prepping a lovely birthday tea, while I enjoyed time with the grandchildren – especially dandling Oliver on my knee and blowing up the balloons with William and Thomas.
The Kenilworth Originals arrived (including all the girls which thrilled us to bits) with the rest of the food, and tea was served, birthday cake candles were lit and ‘Happy Birthday’ was sung to dear, darling Michael.
Here is the ceremonial cake cutting – it looks like a very serious business, doesn’t it? Oliver was particularly keen to get at the cake and Michael and Freddie were having to hold him off…..hehehehe!
We had a lovely time together – nothing frantic – just a gentle afternoon to suit our mood. Until, of course, we started watching the rugby. Gosh, that nearly went to the wire, didn’t it? My nerves were shredding more and more the nearer to full-time it came, so I played the ‘lava’ game with Thomas and dandled Oliver some more. Freddie and William were glued to an iPad, building a town, and oblivious to the tensions of the room..….
We were very happy to have the family at home with us. We are so very blessed to have such a fabulous family, aren’t we? And gosh, how we love them all!
Take care everyone. If you have any healing or soothing vibes, prayers or thoughts, please send them John’s way. He could do with them right now – that blooming leg, and now his back, is giving him gyp! God bless.
We’re taking each day as it comes. And that’s not too bad, all told. We’re trying not to look back and regret what’s passed; as well as trying not to look forward and regret what’s not to come. It’s a tough one, but living in the moment is what everyone tells us to do, so we’re doing our best.
I was thrilled, therefore, when a bunch of flowers popped through the letterbox on Thursday from Christiana, and I have been able to enjoy them every day so far. Pretty, aren’t they? And the stocks smell so divine!!!
Yesterday was a good example of trying to live ‘in the moment’, too. John wasn’t feeling great. He’d had the Covid and Flu jabs the day before and was feeling pretty washed out. However, we’d arranged to see Richard and Jill, and neither of us wanted to cancel, so we said, ‘Yes, please come.’
Well, it proved to be the right decision, because we were delighted to see them. They were very good company, brought delicious food with them for lunch, and had good conversation. Not only that, but they were game for keeping John company while I went for a massage in the afternoon – even though it meant that they’d be snarled up in the Friday night traffic jams.
Even though John was under the weather and tired, and I was feeling stressed, we both enjoyed the day with old friends and were glad they’d been.
Today has been a similar story in that we’ve crossed each bridge as it’s come along. We hadn’t planned to see anyone today other than to go to the furniture shop in Kenilworth to buy a mattress. Michael phoned just before we set off and we could hear the family in the background. William was disgruntled at having to give up on his TV watching, so there was a suggestion of ‘making a TV’. Boxes are definitely the best for that. Need a box? We’ve got one or two, so we dropped a couple in.
Here they are, playing at working at the TV studios. Thomas was operating the ‘remote’ while William was the commentator and action man for some racing cars. Hehe – lovely!!
We did go into the furniture shop and buy the mattress – delivery will be in about a month, fingers crossed. Hopefully, the new one will stop us bouncing about whenever either of us turn over! We felt we did well.
Once we were home, we had a bit of a rest, and then John, feeling a bit better, said he was going into the garage to see if he could do a bit on the car. A little while later, he came in and asked if I could give him a hand. Well, that was hilarious! We were trying unbolt the vacuum pump that works the headlamps. Naturally, it wasn’t very accessible, so there we were, bums in the air, furkling in the belly of the engine when Peter wandered into the garage, chuckling at the scene.
Well thank goodness for Peter. He helped us unscrew the bolts and remove the gubbins, so we were pretty grateful “I hope your back is OK after leaning over the car, Peter,” I said. Peter arched his eyebrows at me and gave a wry smile, “I’ll let you know tomorrow,” he said.
We were chuffed with the work we’d done though. It was hard, but we’d had success. That makes a change! Nice to have a successful day and acknowledge how well we’d done. Living in the moment? Tick.
We took it easy this morning – John had a bit of a well-deserved lie-in while I braved the downstairs by 9.30 this morning. Early, eh?
Paul came round to keep John company while I went to yoga, arriving about 10.15. “Ok,” he said, “where’s this list of jobs you want me to do then? The ‘heavy lifting’ jobs?” Ha! I had, what I thought was, a very long list of ‘lifting’ jobs and things that would take me for ever to do. Paul polished them off in no time at all. Yippee!!
The brash from the bottom of the garden, the rubble at the side of the house and the old rags from the garage, all went into the back of Paul’s car to go to the tip. That took him five minutes. The rock that was at the front of the house, and which I’d been eyeing up for months to take and put by the pond? Easy-peasy. A two-minute job. The Hallowe’en box from the loft took a bit longer. Of course, we can’t find anything up there, because it’s such a mess. But it didn’t take Paul long to find it and bring it down the stairs. Turning the mattress? I wasn’t here to witness the event, but I don’t think that took long either. Mind you, although Paul had the strength to do that job, he did admit it was a bit unwieldy – it’s got a mind of its own, that mattress! And finally, the job I thought we might leave until another day, was also tackled successfully – we now have the cap back on the staddlestone. Ooh, and it does look good! Chuffed to bits with that.
All in all, by the time I got back from yoga, the boys were sitting comfortably in the lounge feeling very well-satisfied.
Paul left at lunch-time, so John and I had a bite to eat before he had a snooze and I pottered about. With my mind cleared of quite a few of the jobs that have been haunting me for months, I felt able to have a look into one of the boxes of bits I’d got stashed in Andrew’s room. Toby Jugs were put on display, mugs that I’d had formerly placed on display went into the cupboard to be used, and other bits were popped into the charity bag. It’s been a good day’s work.
All seemed well and hunky-dory as I meandered about sorting to my heart’s content, rummaging through books, picking some out for charity, browsing through some others, when I had a niggly feeling that we were supposed to be doing something. I checked the calendar. Oops! Darn it! We’d missed the ten past one appointment at the surgery for John’s hormone injection and it was now 3.41 – just the appointment time for his Covid and Flu jabs.
I woke John up and we rushed down to the surgery a bit late, all a-fluster. It didn’t do John any good whatsoever, Not only were the anxiety levels raised because we were late, but I wheeled him into the surgery in the wheelchair, which he was none too happy about. Dr Horsley was there with a nurse and they made too many sympathetic noises about John’s situation, his breathing, his capacity to come to the surgery and so on, that it thoroughly upset the ol’ man.
“Let’s go and see Pete and Dawn,” John said, as we sat in the car waiting for him to get his breath back. Reasonable conversation was what we needed. Fortunately for us, the Crosses were available and willing to offer us a cuppa. Their wonderful company helped and John felt a bit better as the afternoon wore on.
Once we were home, John thought he’d have a stroll down to the man-shed to drill a hole in a piece of metal. Well, that turned out to be hard work. He had to walk down to the bottom of the garden with the extension lead to enable some power down there; then he had to walk back up and get said piece of metal, before walking back down again to drill the hole in it. “Tea’s ready,” I said, as I met him just coming out of the man-shed, and he walked back up the path again. All that walking! His poor old back wasn’t so keen on the exercise, I can tell you, and his mood wasn’t lightened.
John hasn’t had the best evening and opted to go to bed early. We’re hoping for a better day tomorrow when we have guests arriving. Fingers crossed they brighten us up.
I shot off to yoga in the morning just as John’s ‘chatty chappy’, Harry from MacMillan, came and talked to John for a couple of hours. That was great – their discussions range all over but they have a common interest in the rugby, so there’s all sorts to talk about there – who’s on form, who’s going to be dropped from the team, what shape the team is in, how the scrum is holding up, should they be adopting the kicking game or not, and so on.
No sooner had I got back from yoga than the MacMillan Nurse arrived. That was also very helpful. She is really lovely and has a lot of answers to our questions. John was satisfied that he’d had all his questions addressed and I was able to tick everything off on my list, too.
David and Darrel arrived mid-afternoon. John had texted David to ask if he could give us a hand with one or two jobs and we were very pleased when he said ‘yes’.
He mended the hinge on the bedroom window with the new fixing that had been sulking on the windowsill all summer; he glued together the paving slabs on the steps – finishing the job that John had started; he replaced the awkward light bulbs in the kitchen; tackled the recalcitrant weeds on the patio; and Darrell did a bit more lawn-mowing over the bits that Jack and I had overlooked.
We had a fish ‘n chip supper and David was chatty which boosted John’s spirits, so that was good. I was a bit worried that the chat might have overtired John, but he said, ‘no’ it was all OK. That was nice. And David said he’d come again if there were more jobs to do. Ta-da!! Wonderful.
This morning we were up early and on the road to Heartlands for immunoglobulin treatment. It all went well, except that painkillers were overlooked during the morning and by the time John was due to leave, he no longer had the capacity to walk. “Would you like a wheelchair to the car, John?” they asked. “Yes, please,” replied John, disappointed that he’d had to accept.
We fed him painkillers and his lunchtime tablets, had a spot of lunch and watch a bit of TV. I said I’d pop upstairs to write the Quiz for this evening and John said he’d go into the garage to fiddle about with and mend another ‘gubbins’ for the Lotus. Righty-ho.
Meantime, Paul had phoned to say that he, Harriet and Freddie would call in after school. By the time Paul arrived, John was out of the garage and sitting on the sofa in some pain. Paul came upstairs to me and asked what pain relief was available at that time of day. More paracetamol was within the allowance, so he had that. But about three-quarters of an hour later he was still in pain, so we sought out the morphine and administered that. It took a while, but eventually the pain went off.
We had a nice time with the family and Freddie practised his keyboard skills again. He did particularly well on ‘The Grand Old Duke of York’ and I was able to sing along at just the right pace. Good job.
Fortunately, John felt up to doing the Quiz tonight and joined in well. However, he was still struggling a bit so not all his answers were heard by the team and some repetition was required. He was knackered by the end of it and was delighted to get into bed as soon as it was finished.
‘Let us know if you need us to do anything’ is now the refrain from most of our friends, for which we are extremely grateful. We are not always sure what people can do, but if and when we think of things we might well be asking…..
