leukaemia-limbo-dance

It’s a fortnight since I did a bit of a Blog. At that time, I was very busy. Guess what? Nothing has changed. I am still very busy. I am absolutely packing it all in!

Meals out in fancy restaurants; open water swimming; church activities; a spot of gardening and taking part in the local Am Dram play which we did a weekend ago. It’s all very nice thank you – and the pleasure is all mine.

I had turned up at Centre Stage, earlier in the year, when the group was reading through the latest proposal. No harm in reading out loud, I had thought. But then I was offered a part. Oh…. hum…. well…… it was only a few words, a page at most, so I said ‘yes’. It didn’t look difficult and I got down to learning the words and thinking about acting.

A few weeks later, the Director contacted me. Could I do another part as well? I hadn’t bargained on that but, having perused the script and finding it was only a page, I said ‘yes’ to that as well.

And, as it turned out, it was all delightful – even acting with Paul Sullivan, with whom I’d sworn never to act again…… he’s always so funny and unpredictable that you never know whether he’s going blame you for the script being messed up!!

We had a good laugh about it, and every time we were on stage he’d grin, and then mutter in my ear, ‘I thought you said you’d never act with me again?’ Funnily enough, I thoroughly enjoyed it and no script was messed up while we were on stage!

The cast and crew involved in the play were very kind to me and looked after me wonderfully well. I managed to totter onto the stage and say my words without too much fuss and even enjoyed trying on the Scottish accent for size.

The play was a great success, with everyone playing their parts extremely well, whether it was front of house, on stage or backstage – so all in all, a very positive experience after what appears to be a ten year absence from the group. Gosh, I hadn’t realised it had been that long!!! Must pay my subs…..

Roll on a week later and what next? Ahhh…..it was the Yoga Retreat weekend. Oh my, it was so good. Jaime was an absolutely brilliant leader.

We were at Holland House near Pershore. Such a treat – the location was marvellous; the sun shone beautifully; the company was vibrant and kind, and the yoga proved blissful. Couldn’t have asked for more. Came home feeling great. Even the dodgy hip that I’d developed in the last few weeks, and that has required physio, couldn’t put me off! See what you think to this venue! Lush, innit?

We practiced our yoga in the Chapel…….. well, actually, in this photo we’re about to lie down to immerse ourselves in a Gong Bath. Not a lot of movement going on at all here…. a bit of snoring maybe, but all very peaceful, hehe!!

We did actually do lots of movement and went for lovely walks, but here’s another one of us, just having broken into consciousness after a meditation session in the glorious garden under the trees – ooh, it was lovely!

During the retreat, I had time to think about the passage of time and how things change as we encounter different experiences in life, too. It was good to explore how I feel and look back on what we fondly call ‘the journey’ since John died. I am calling it a ‘safari’. I mean, you never know what you’re going to come across next, do you? Growling tigers one minute or peaceful open water the next.

There’s a comfort in knowing I’d had the ol’ man’s company for so long. The conclusion of the Maya Angelou poem, ‘When Great Trees Fall’ says it all.

And when great souls die,

after a period peace blooms,

slowly and always

irregularly. Spaces fill

with a kind of

soothing electric vibration.

Our senses, restored, never

to be the same, whisper to us.

They existed. They existed.

We can be. Be and be

better. For they existed.

In my heart, it feels like he’s always with me, encouraging this new life. “Don’t stagnate, live,” is what I hear. So I’m living.

Take care everyone. God bless.

I seem to be very busy. I have filled my days with all sorts of goings on, including the open water swimming that I talked about in the last Blog. I wasn’t sure how long I’d keep it up for – but I’m still going!!!

I’ve found new venues – Kington Grange near Claverdon, and Lake Windermere, where I swam for a whole ten minutes in blustery conditions with my dear friend, Sue Wakeford; and I’ve been back to Lavender Hall a couple of times, as well as Cliff Lakes, and also to Saxon Mill. Here I am, looking pretty smug in front of Guys Cliffe in the River Avon yesterday….. at eight o’clock in the morning!!!

And here we are, Sue and me, getting ready for our swim in Windermere, cheesy grins to the fore!

I spent a few days in the Lake District with Sue and Rod over the Bank Holiday weekend, and golly, they don’t half know how to look after me! Such exquisite hosts. I had the best time eating all the best food that Sue prepared as well as dining out on fish and chips. We walked along the Ulverston Canal – the shortest and deepest canal in the UK, I understand; and visited the birthplace of the Quaker movement, Swarthmoor Hall. Loved that – really interesting. Another cheesy grin photo!!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I’ve been looking after the grandchildren, one way and another; chatting ten-to-the-dozen at the French Conversation group; playing table tennis and still loving that; and helping out at the Mums ‘n Tots little playgroup at church.

We’ve had family times too, with meals and get-togethers whenever the mood has taken us, which has been lovely. Paul and I took the two oldest grandsons to see Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat at the Hippodrome on Wednesday afternoon, which was fantastic. We all enjoyed it very much. I mean, just look at those boys! All as excited as excited as can be!

These are not the only things I’ve been up to in recent weeks – there’s been a visit to Oxford with Ann Flintham; a trip out for lunch with Alison and Sally; visits from Pete and Fran, Michelle and Tim and, of course, George and Sue, who stayed for a whole weekend. All marvellous and wonderful things which have uplifted me no end.

So, all in all, things are going on okay. I am thankful for the continued support of wonderful friends and family, and wonder whatever state I’d be in now if it wasn’t for the amazing thoughtfulness of all those brilliant people.

I hope I’ve given a little bit back along the way though, being there for Pete and Dawn while Pete recovered from an operation. That was all very exciting, if a little (understatement) stressful, with carer shenanigans for Dawn, and a rush back to the hospital for Pete to check all was in order. Fortunately, that episode is well on the way to being behind them and ‘normal service is now being resumed’. Phew.

I say ‘phew’ because Peter is now back to his cooking best and I was invited round for an evening meal last week. An incredible beef in wine sauce, with all the trimmings. Excellent.

And there was nothing Dawn and I could do but lend a listening ear to Carol, as she and John closed the sale on their apartment in Spain and vacated it for one last time, a couple of weeks ago. The end of an era but what happy, happy times John and I had there with them. So grateful for all of that.

And there we are, folks! Still not back to blogging regularly, but I am starting to read, so things must be looking up. I’ve read three or four books recently, and have now accumulated a very large ‘TBR’ pile…… that’s going to keep me busy, if nothing else does!!

Take care everyone. God bless.

A few years ago, when I was feeling blue, my dear friend Linda B suggested we try open water swimming. Apparently such an activity is good for your mental health. So me, Linda and Anita all braved it that year at Cliff Lakes near Tamworth. After the summer season was ended, Linda moved back down to Somerset and abandoned ship; and Anita, having loads of other things to do, also gave it up.

Intermittently since then, I keep ‘having a go’. Mostly warm weather swimming and, being a very anxious swimmer, seeking out supervised sessions.

Once again, I’m up for having another try at it. The water temperatures are improving and locally, here in Balsall Common, Lavender Hall Fisheries has created a swimming lake which is very shallow, so warms up a treat.

Although the sessions are not supervised, I toddled down there last Friday to give it a try. I met a lovely bunch of women who swim and share their experiences as the ‘Bluetits’. One of the ladies, Karen, had booked on again for Sunday, so I toddled down there again to join in. Oh my, it was lovely. The ladies were so kind and friendly and looked after me a treat as I wobbled my way round the lake.

Afterwards, we went into the café and tucked into toasted cakes or sausage sandwiches and imbibed hot cups of tea – and nattered.

Once home, I looked on the Bluetits website and saw another session on offer – this time in the River Avon at the Saxon Mill. I’ve watched the Bluetits activities at this particular venue for a long time on Facebook and often wanted to go, but been put off by the fact that it is a a river. I was also a bit put off by the fact that it was on Bank Holiday Monday at eight o’clock in the morning.

However, I thought I’d go and do a recce. Then I thought I might put my kit on just in case. And yes, you’ve guessed it!! I got there, the ladies were wonderful and Tricia, a very experienced swimmer, guided me in and bingo! I did a swim in the Avon.

It was particularly poignant because the back drop to the swim is Guys Cliffe where the Masons meet. I thought of John a lot and the times we’d had there at Christmas concerts and parties.

It was lovely. The birds were singing, the water was clear, the shrubs were in full flower and the ‘Bluetits’ were merry. Here we all are – pre-swim and excited for the experience ahead.

Can’t be bad, eh? Feeling life in all its fullness? Go me!!

Take care everyone. God bless.

Like the silt in a turbulent river, life has been coming at me for what seems like a good long while, and visibility and anchorage has been difficult. But today, I had an unexpected few hours to myself and it felt, just for a short time, that the silt, and therefore the visibility, was settling. Anchorage? Not yet.

I’ve been looking after Freddie on a Wednesday, as we nurse him back into school. Yesterday and today was something different for him though. A trial at a forest school – which meant I wasn’t called upon for grandson minding duties.

A whole day to myself! What should I do with it? Perhaps more painting and decorating? More clearing out of cupboards? More de-cluttering of Mum’s bits and bobs?

No. I sat in the garden, in glorious sunshine, and read a book all day.

Oh my. What bliss. It feels like years since I did that. And what a pleasure it was. So calming and nurturing.

Our regular Wednesday Quiz Night was also cancelled at the last minute, so I had the evening stretching out before me too. More time for doing something different then. This time, a spot of gardening.

I tended the newly-planted fruit bushes and strawberry plants, lovingly tucking them in. I tore up weeds that are threatening to take over the patio and I ripped out some of the ivy that is killing the hedge. I tidied the patio dining area and inspected the pond into which I’d put some blanket weed remover yesterday.

And I generally admired the pretty flowers blooming throughout the garden. Particularly this one. A ‘black’ tulip. Gorgeous.

Yes, today was a settling and anchoring day. Lucky me.

Take care everyone. God bless.

The sun’s out. The sun is warming the air. Lovely. Must be time to get the Lotus out, then.

Paul sent the family a lovely memory of the ol’ man fiddling with his beloved car from this time two years ago. It must’ve been nice weather then too, cos he hasn’t got his coat on!

John did a fine job on the car, but it wasn’t quite complete, so the boys have been scratching their heads over the misfiring engine for the last eighteen months.

Finally, today, one of John’s Lotus acquaintances came over with his mate and helped have another fiddle with the engine. And this was my view from the bedroom window. Almost bliss.

Gosh, John would have loved the activity today. There were five males clustered around the car, only one of which was a child. But boy, each and every one of the others was as excited as a child as they tinkered away to their heart’s content.

Mind you, even I was excited whenever the engine started up – making a celebratory cup of tea for everyone when it was purring sweetly. It’s been a smashing day.

Take care everyone. God bless.

The bedroom window is open, to let in the beautiful, fresh, spring air. The door is slightly ajar. Downstairs, I am masking up the floor, ready to paint the skirting boards. The bedroom door clunks shut. My thoughts fly to John and I hear footsteps coming down the stairs…… I look up, expecting to see him there, halfway down, grinning at me. But, of course, it’s all in my imagination and it’s yet another day without the ol’ man.

Yes, I’m at it again, letting my imagination run riot – and painting and decorating once more.

In a world in which I have been struggling to make any decisions, finally I made one in early March. I ordered a new curtain for the hallway, to set at the front door.

Many years ago, we had had a full width-of-the-wall curtain, but John was irritated by it as guests fumbled to find their way out once it was closed. So we opted for a curtain-that-swings-on-the-opening-door. That particular curtain material design was not my choice. It had been a leftover from a rush buy for one of the houses John and Paul were doing up. That just shows you how old it is!! So here we are, many, many years later – and I’m reverting back to letting guests fumble their way out of the house. Hehe.

Of course, such a decision comes with a price to pay. The domino effect of a brand new piece of material against a backdrop of shabby paintwork and the wrong colourway, sets more decision-making in motion, along with a flurry of activity.

So far, I have only managed to paint the front door….. such a lot of prep required – and we know how much I love that! Eeeeh, there’s a very long way to go. Wish me luck!

Meanwhile, I’m hoping all the practical jobs I’m doing – painting, decorating, gardening, cleaning and clearing stuff out – as well as all the lovely activities I’m now involved in, will prevent too many recurrences of expecting to see John sitting in his chair; or wandering down the path; or hearing him rummaging in the garage. It always give me a shiver down my spine when I realise it’s not real and it never will be again.

Hey-ho. On we go.

I have just spent the morning in a Writing for Wellbeing Zoom session and it feels good to have actually written words on a page in response to a stimulus. My daily writing days seem to be a thing of the past now, as currently, I rarely feel the urge to write regularly.

However, one stimulus in the workshop was the word ‘philocaly’ which means the love of beauty. We were offered the meaning as the love of beauty in small things, which suits me down to the ground. I am forever saying to anyone who will listen, “Look at that little flower there,” or “See that teeny-weeny insect?” or “How cute is that tiny fungus?” whenever we are on a walk or playing in the garden. I’m such a sucker for detail.

And this made me think about how life evolves. For the most part, the broad brush approach is wonderful and works really, really well for the bustle of life en famille alongside sons, their wives and their children as we tumble through the days to try and get to the other side. But I am absolutely enjoying those moments of stillness and calm in which I can watch, or listen to, the world as it drifts past.

I am so enjoying these moments that I am booked onto Jaime’s BodyMindYoga weekend retreat in June and then, in July, braving a silent retreat for a week at Launde Abbey. I’m not sure how I am going to get on with that one but, as I said to the kids, if I don’t like it and can’t keep my trap shut, I can always cut and run, can’t I?

The decision to retreat is in response to the feelings and thoughts of ‘who am I? and ‘what am I here for?’ I know these questions pop up at different times in our lives, and I’m not sure whether I have ever actually found the answer throughout my life – but I know that I am certainly not sure of the answer right now.

So, in the spirit of winkling out what works for me, I have picked up some new activities in the last month.

I am back in the fold at Centre Stage and have been offered a small part in the next production – The 39 Steps – a comedy with lots and lots of characters. That should be fun!

Then, following a ‘eureka’ moment when I was chatting to some French people in London with Ann and Nigel, I have started to go to a French Conversation Group here in the village once a fortnight. I thought my French was lost, never to be found again, but no!! Amazingly, I can still speak and understand French. Whoopee-doop!

And finally, table tennis. Well, that’s fun. Everyone is very elderly, but that doesn’t stop ’em from whipping the ball across the net so I can’t get it back! I think I spend more time grubbing around on the floor trying to retrieve the ball than actually playing! Hehe.

All in all, with the new activities, my other existing ones, and the commitment to child care twice a week, my calendar is quite full. It’s no wonder I need a retreat or two, is it?

Take care everyone. God bless.

………all passed me by in a blur. I fell ill with the dreaded lurgy on Christmas Day; languished a lot in bed/on the sofa for a couple of weeks; and then dragged weary bones around for a couple more weeks. This is the day after Boxing Day. I mean, I was ill, I don’t know what excuse the other three in this photo had……. hehe!

By the end of January though, I thought I was well again – only to be hit with another cold in the first week of February. As it turned out, the cold was held at bay by popping Beechams pills, making a visit to Ann and Nigel in London, and then a week’s pampering at the spa, Ragdale Hall, with the college crew. Back on it at last! Phew!

I had started a blog on the Sunday before Christmas, just as the lurgy hit, and it started with: ‘Wishing Everyone Peace at Christmas‘. The sentiment is now a bit late, but very much still holds.

In our family, the Christmas Trees were carefully chosen and installed in our living rooms, twinkling in the corners; decorations and lights had been pinned to walls and ceilings, and strung across foliage in the garden; cards written and sent; and then there was a mad scramble to finalise the food shop and the gift list, with many a message among us asking, ‘What did you say you’d like for Christmas?’

In 2023, we hadn’t had the heart to ice, or eat, the Christmas cake. When it was prepared in the October, we had all stirred the mixture, including John. Icing the cake was always his job and, as Christmas approached, it remained half-naked, marzipanned, awaiting its decoration.

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do,” I said to the boys. “I’ll cut it into four, pop it in the freezer and we can bring out a quarter each year.” So this year, there was a happier memory of hubby as I iced the little cake, then cut it into three chunks for each of the families.

What did we want for Christmas? A little bit of John would suit us all. And we had that as we tucked into the cake. Nice.

Christmas seems such a long time ago now! Here we are, three-quarters of the way through February and longingly awaiting signs of Spring. Winter has made many of us grumpy with its overcast skies and constant rain. The season of goodwill seems to be a distant memory.

Despite the ‘get up and go’ having got up and gone while I was ailing, life was full again as soon as I was back on my feet.

For example, looking after the grandkids: Freddie with his domino experiment – that was such fun!

…..and taking Oliver to have his hair cut ready for his trip to see Granny in Jersey …… what a good boy he was, as he sat patiently while the barber snipped away at his locks.

…..then popping down to Hampshire with some of the college crew to make a trip to the Opera…… ah, smashing!

I know I say it loads, but thank the Lord for family and friends. I could not have got through the last couple of months without their loving support. Andrew has been home most weekends; Paul and Michael have invited me for dinner or just to chill at theirs; and close friends have been in touch one way or another and kept me going. Brilliant.

Spring is around the corner, folks – and I wish everyone brighter days. God bless.

Advent calendars have been gifted and are being opened/lit/made; cakes have been prepared ready for icing; elves on shelves are playing naughty tricks – tipping loo roll down the stairs – or being helpful by learning Thomas’ Christmas Nativity lines; cupboards are being ransacked for stored Christmas cards, wrapping paper or ribbon; and Carols are being sung. Christmas is but twenty days away.

In my case, there are no elves but I am burning an advent calendar candle – always a tricky task. The darn thing burns beyond where you want it, every time. It’ll be Christmas next week at this rate!

I am also making an advent jigsaw that Catherine has gifted me. It is the beautiful photo of the family that I included in my last blog. Progress so far, on Day 4…. with Catherine and Ellie emerging:

Meanwhile, Oliver came on Monday and we started the ‘Santa Trail’ with lanterns lighting the way upstairs so that Father Christmas doesn’t get lost when delivering the presents after his plunge down the chimney. And, most important of all – we’ve set the crib scene in the porch.

All good so far, then? Absolutely!

Until, that is, when it came to rummaging in the cupboards today……. I was looking for my Christmas card and gift notebooks. I mean, such a rummage shouldn’t be a problem. After all, it is simply the ‘wrapping cupboard’ in which I keep all cards, ribbons, gift bags, bubble wrap and paper – birthday, Christmas, tissue and brown parcel wrap. But hey….. the cupboard also contained John’s handiwork which naturally triggered memories.

Donkeys years ago, before John built the extension, he had run a TV cable down the inside of the cupboard, and I had a flashback of us sitting cosy in bed, with our cups of tea, watching TV, revelling in the fact that we could. Lovely memory, but ouch!

Then came left-over balloons and jungle decorations from the time when we kitted out the lounge to surprise Michael at the celebration of him achieving his Doctorate. A fabulous memory in which John featured large in my mind, and all the family were there.

At that point, I decided I was done with the cupboard for a while. I left masses of bubble wrap, ribbons, paper and boxes all over the floor and the bed, and went to Pete and Dawn’s. Argh!! ‘Bedlam’! Anyone want any bubble wrap?

Pete and Dawn’s company and another poached-egg-on-toast lunch, like last week, sorted me out. As did the company of Lizzie and Flo who were visiting. Nothing nicer than a cuddle with a baby to calm things down, eh?

Unexpectedly, Linda Connor called this afternoon, bearing a bunch of lilies. I had texted the Quizzers and said I was pulling out of this evenings shenanigans as I wasn’t feeling too chipper. What a wonderful friend she is. We sat and had a good old natter, which eased things a bit more.

Lilies….. associated with fresh life and new birth. I’m looking forward them in full bloom.

It’s the old analogy: your cup is full and it is only the surface tension of the liquid that’s holding the contents of the cup in place. Just one more drop, and it’ll burst its banks……. the liquid is quite literally teetering on the edge.

On the one hand, it’s good to have a cup that is full, but I suppose it depends what it is full of! Currently, mine is full of ‘what ifs’/’if onlys’/’I wish…..’ and sorrowful sighs.

Of course, it’s been the time of the year when the nights have drawn in, and we have had so many birthday celebrations that the poignancy of John being missing in all the fun, has hit hard. Despite the fact that ‘I am doing well’, my cup is teetering on the edge and a period of hibernation feels like a welcome option.

So, on Thursday, I had a duvet day. Well, more of a duvet morning really, because an acquaintance, Anne Horleston, came for coffee in the afternoon – but it had felt good to just stay under the covers for a few illicit hours. I think I need one or two more of those…..

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I have been busy, of course. I had an exciting weekend at the Kenilworth Originals with Freddie and the pups. Paul and Harriet were off to a wedding celebration, so I babysat overnight.

Freddie was on good form and great company throughout the weekend, only once feeling disappointed and struggling to stay on an even keel on Sunday, while he waited for Mum and Dad to come home. Bless him. We had great fun – and rather a workout with the dogs when we took them for a walk!

I was kicking myself though, for forgetting to take my phone charger with me, and only came away with one photo of the weekend activities – and that was a party bag that Freddie had brought home. He’d been go-karting. I include the photo here ‘cos I thought it was a very posh party bag!!! I mean, look at those lovely iced biscuits!

On Monday I babysat Oliver, of the Kenilworth Newbies tribe, as is now my custom. We had more fun – but I failed with the photography of our time together again!! The trouble is, we’re having too much fun! Hehe!

My own birthday celebrations started early, with cards plopping through the letterbox on Monday; and then, later on, a beautiful bouquet for flowers arriving on the doorstep from Carol and John. It was a lovely surprise. Eeeh, I’m a lucky girl!

My phone was charged up and ready and waiting for the shock of waking up to snow on Tuesday though! I hadn’t taken any notice of the news or weather forecast on Monday, so I wasn’t expecting a white-out in the garden when I opened the curtains, were you?

I had a lovely day on Wednesday, my birthday, with a visit to Pete and Dawn’s in the morning – tea and biscuits, a game of Scrabble and then a spot of lunch. Paul came and collected me in the afternoon and we toddled off to the Green Man for our supper with the Kenilworth contingent, before ending up at Michael’s for a few fireworks! I don’t know who had more fun – the children or the adults!! Hehe.

The day ended with an enjoyable Quiz Night and more birthday wishes.

And yesterday? Another lovely day with Richard and Jill, who brought luscious chocolates for my birthday. We had planned a walk, but with one thing and another we cried off and just went to the pub for lunch instead!! Very nice. Then Catherine came after work and we had a bite to eat together. She came, carrying a large parcel – another birthday gift. And what a thoughtful one! An advent calendar in the form of a daily jigsaw – all to make up this wonderful family photo we had taken for my 70th a couple of years ago.

Such a heartfelt thank you to everyone who sent good wishes, cards and gifts. Honestly, I’m such a lucky girl!

‘Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend that everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.’ Giles Paley-Philips