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Advent calendars have been gifted and are being opened/lit/made; cakes have been prepared ready for icing; elves on shelves are playing naughty tricks – tipping loo roll down the stairs – or being helpful by learning Thomas’ Christmas Nativity lines; cupboards are being ransacked for stored Christmas cards, wrapping paper or ribbon; and Carols are being sung. Christmas is but twenty days away.

In my case, there are no elves but I am burning an advent calendar candle – always a tricky task. The darn thing burns beyond where you want it, every time. It’ll be Christmas next week at this rate!

I am also making an advent jigsaw that Catherine has gifted me. It is the beautiful photo of the family that I included in my last blog. Progress so far, on Day 4…. with Catherine and Ellie emerging:

Meanwhile, Oliver came on Monday and we started the ‘Santa Trail’ with lanterns lighting the way upstairs so that Father Christmas doesn’t get lost when delivering the presents after his plunge down the chimney. And, most important of all – we’ve set the crib scene in the porch.

All good so far, then? Absolutely!

Until, that is, when it came to rummaging in the cupboards today……. I was looking for my Christmas card and gift notebooks. I mean, such a rummage shouldn’t be a problem. After all, it is simply the ‘wrapping cupboard’ in which I keep all cards, ribbons, gift bags, bubble wrap and paper – birthday, Christmas, tissue and brown parcel wrap. But hey….. the cupboard also contained John’s handiwork which naturally triggered memories.

Donkeys years ago, before John built the extension, he had run a TV cable down the inside of the cupboard, and I had a flashback of us sitting cosy in bed, with our cups of tea, watching TV, revelling in the fact that we could. Lovely memory, but ouch!

Then came left-over balloons and jungle decorations from the time when we kitted out the lounge to surprise Michael at the celebration of him achieving his Doctorate. A fabulous memory in which John featured large in my mind, and all the family were there.

At that point, I decided I was done with the cupboard for a while. I left masses of bubble wrap, ribbons, paper and boxes all over the floor and the bed, and went to Pete and Dawn’s. Argh!! ‘Bedlam’! Anyone want any bubble wrap?

Pete and Dawn’s company and another poached-egg-on-toast lunch, like last week, sorted me out. As did the company of Lizzie and Flo who were visiting. Nothing nicer than a cuddle with a baby to calm things down, eh?

Unexpectedly, Linda Connor called this afternoon, bearing a bunch of lilies. I had texted the Quizzers and said I was pulling out of this evenings shenanigans as I wasn’t feeling too chipper. What a wonderful friend she is. We sat and had a good old natter, which eased things a bit more.

Lilies….. associated with fresh life and new birth. I’m looking forward them in full bloom.

It’s the old analogy: your cup is full and it is only the surface tension of the liquid that’s holding the contents of the cup in place. Just one more drop, and it’ll burst its banks……. the liquid is quite literally teetering on the edge.

On the one hand, it’s good to have a cup that is full, but I suppose it depends what it is full of! Currently, mine is full of ‘what ifs’/’if onlys’/’I wish…..’ and sorrowful sighs.

Of course, it’s been the time of the year when the nights have drawn in, and we have had so many birthday celebrations that the poignancy of John being missing in all the fun, has hit hard. Despite the fact that ‘I am doing well’, my cup is teetering on the edge and a period of hibernation feels like a welcome option.

So, on Thursday, I had a duvet day. Well, more of a duvet morning really, because an acquaintance, Anne Horleston, came for coffee in the afternoon – but it had felt good to just stay under the covers for a few illicit hours. I think I need one or two more of those…..

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I have been busy, of course. I had an exciting weekend at the Kenilworth Originals with Freddie and the pups. Paul and Harriet were off to a wedding celebration, so I babysat overnight.

Freddie was on good form and great company throughout the weekend, only once feeling disappointed and struggling to stay on an even keel on Sunday, while he waited for Mum and Dad to come home. Bless him. We had great fun – and rather a workout with the dogs when we took them for a walk!

I was kicking myself though, for forgetting to take my phone charger with me, and only came away with one photo of the weekend activities – and that was a party bag that Freddie had brought home. He’d been go-karting. I include the photo here ‘cos I thought it was a very posh party bag!!! I mean, look at those lovely iced biscuits!

On Monday I babysat Oliver, of the Kenilworth Newbies tribe, as is now my custom. We had more fun – but I failed with the photography of our time together again!! The trouble is, we’re having too much fun! Hehe!

My own birthday celebrations started early, with cards plopping through the letterbox on Monday; and then, later on, a beautiful bouquet for flowers arriving on the doorstep from Carol and John. It was a lovely surprise. Eeeh, I’m a lucky girl!

My phone was charged up and ready and waiting for the shock of waking up to snow on Tuesday though! I hadn’t taken any notice of the news or weather forecast on Monday, so I wasn’t expecting a white-out in the garden when I opened the curtains, were you?

I had a lovely day on Wednesday, my birthday, with a visit to Pete and Dawn’s in the morning – tea and biscuits, a game of Scrabble and then a spot of lunch. Paul came and collected me in the afternoon and we toddled off to the Green Man for our supper with the Kenilworth contingent, before ending up at Michael’s for a few fireworks! I don’t know who had more fun – the children or the adults!! Hehe.

The day ended with an enjoyable Quiz Night and more birthday wishes.

And yesterday? Another lovely day with Richard and Jill, who brought luscious chocolates for my birthday. We had planned a walk, but with one thing and another we cried off and just went to the pub for lunch instead!! Very nice. Then Catherine came after work and we had a bite to eat together. She came, carrying a large parcel – another birthday gift. And what a thoughtful one! An advent calendar in the form of a daily jigsaw – all to make up this wonderful family photo we had taken for my 70th a couple of years ago.

Such a heartfelt thank you to everyone who sent good wishes, cards and gifts. Honestly, I’m such a lucky girl!

‘Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend that everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.’ Giles Paley-Philips

John’s birthday.

Have done my best to treat it as ‘just another day’. And I’ve not done too badly: general self-care (shower, hair wash, food and drink – that’s a win); WhatsApp messages with the boys; yoga class; candle-lighting and a prayer for John in church; a visit to Pete and Dawn, where alcohol was served and a glass raised to the ol’ man; and a lovely WhatsApp video chat with Carol.

Other friends have texted and sent good wishes. All healing stuff and it all helps.

Meanwhile……. courtesy of Banksy, this is the current state of affairs.

Take care everyone. God bless.

Argh……!! This time last year John died and we scurried around sorting out his immediate affairs; which means, of course, that everything that we did back then comes up for renewal right now, all at the same time!! House insurance, car insurance and breakdown cover are all hard on each others’ heels, all on top of the recent October birthdays. And then there was Twickenham….

I’ve looked into the piggy bank and find just a couple of pennies rattling around in there. I wonder if there’ll be enough to send to Santa for the Christmas presents?? Hmm……. don’t worry kids, I’m sure I’ll find some, somewhere!

John was the money wizard in our relationship. He used to say, ‘What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine.’ And he was pretty creative with it all, so I left him to it. That pretty much summed us up.

But…. Ha! Now, of course, I’ve got to try and think for myself and sort out the money without getting myself in a tizz. ‘I am a capable woman’ is my current mantra and I am going to refuse to be bothered by something I know I can do. Just because I didn’t used to manage the money doesn’t mean I can’t, does it? Juggle, juggle, juggle – gulp!

Anyway, enough of that because, in other news, I have a gardener. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but, one of John’s friends, Paul, called in recently, and suggested someone he knew. Oh, boy, such excitement! I have been waiting years for someone with horticultural and botanical knowledge to help me in the garden.

Viktoriia has been four times now and hoiked out tons of weeds; pruned loads of rose bushes and other shrubs; divided overgrown plants to spread the joy; and planted some flowers where the weeds used to be. Oooh, I’m in heaven! Pics may follow, but it’s dark now!

I got so excited the other day that I actually planted up some hanging baskets myself! (Woohoo…does a little dance). Viktoriia was impressed. And, what is more, I thoroughly enjoyed having a little potter. There’s lots of leaves to be swept up now which, in an odd way, I also enjoy. I have fond memories of Freddie helping me one year. That was really lovely. 4 years ago…… crikey, doesn’t time fly! Great memories, though.

All for now. Take care everyone. God bless.

Paul, Michael, Andrew and I headed off to Twickenham on Saturday, with hope in our hearts, to watch England play Australia. The rugby match itself was OK with quite a few thrilling passages of play and much singing of ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’; and we were exceptionally excited when England scored a try and converted it in the 79th minute.

But, you know…. rugby being rugby, the game isn’t over at 80 minutes. It’s only over when the ball goes out of play and…. darn it! England couldn’t get hold of the ball for love nor money at the end, and Australia snatched a victory in the 83rd minute. What agony.

There was a feeling of general disgruntlement among our little group, as there seemed to be among many of the spectators. The boys had already drowned their sorrows mind you, having drunk multiple pints of Guinness throughout the afternoon, so I was surprised they had any emotions left to feel. I thought they’d have been numbed to the result, but no. There was still lots to talk about.

I had the answer, of course. Too much warm-up time. The poor boys in the England team were worn out by the time they started to play and had certainly had enough come the 79th minute….. I kept telling the coaches to take the players back to the dressing room a good half an hour before the match started, but d’you know what? They didn’t listen to me!! Pah! Can’t think why…..

It was a long day out, but it was good in many ways. We all raised a glass to John of course, in whose memory we had made the trip. We had a very good journey both there and back, courtesy of Paul, who was chauffeur. In the back of the car, Michael and Andrew were like they were when they were kids – chuffed to bits with a ‘tuck box’ full of edible and drinkable goodies, which amused Paul and me. We had an easy walk to the rugby ground too, as we parked very near Twickenham, in the Twickenham Masonic Centre. We raised another glass to John there, as well.

But, honestly!? Bunny ears!? I don’t think any of my kids’ll ever grow up!! Hehe!!

We all took some kind of memento with us, too. I wore John’s 2007 World Cup rugby shirt; Paul wore the scarf that he had bought when he took John to the rugby last year; Michael carried John’s little crucifix; and Andrew took John’s scarf with him and wore that.

Naturally, we had to have a photo of us all in front of the sculpture of the line-out as well….

I love my boys. Lucky me.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Danielle was holding the fort looking after the Junior Sleaths…… and they weren’t glued to the rugby, I can tell you!

Wallace and Gromit offered some sanity to the day, much to Danielle’s relief. And butter wouldn’t melt……

A memorable day, which is what we were after – even if it wasn’t quite the result we wanted.

Take care everyone. God bless.

I sit in John’s chair. I sleep on his side of the bed. I wear his hearing aids. I wear his T-shorts as nightshirts. I watch his programmes on TV. I rummage among his things and sigh. I hang my glasses on his glasses stand….

I look at the green bin that languishes half-way up the path and, in my mind’s eye, I see him resting on it, his shoulders heaving to catch his breath as he makes his way back from the Man-Shed.

I sit at his computer and am befuddled. What was the password again? I look at photos of him in years gone by and send them to the kids.

I use John’s tools to drill holes, screw in screws, hammer home nails, sand down wood, glue stuff together, winkle things out, mend things. I stand in the garage and look at the Lotus. I talk to him. And I cry when someone asks me how I’m doing.

Meanwhile, and in between times, I hug my sons hard. We remember the ol’ man daily. I help with the grandchildren and giggle a lot.

I go on holidays with the family and revel in their company, whereupon I thank the Lord for amazing familial relationships.

We celebrate birthdays which come at this time of the year all of a rush. My birthday is coming up – and John’s birthday would’ve been this month, too. I sleep on the new mattress that we ordered just before he died, and which arrived too late for him, but on his birthday. Ha!

I stay with friends and enjoy their company, too. I visit them for coffee, tea or a meal; and they visit me. My friends hug me with compassion and phone me, text me and keep in touch.

I go for a swim or a walk, and take a yoga class or two. The very act of movement helps.

I pet the pets – Chester: now very elderly, who barks at me whenever I arrive at Michael’s, and who refuses to shut up until he’s been fussed and fussed; and the pups: Marmaduke and Mabel, who wriggle and squirm and insinuate themselves onto my lap and look at me with adoring eyes.

I write my blog and find it cathartic.

See? It’s not all bad. A year on, and there’s some comfort in the things I do, whether I’m by myself, with the family or with friends. Weaving the daily distractions in with the remembering makes it bearable. Much of the time.

An early birthday present from Graham and Gail set me off this week though. When we were on holiday I lost my pashmina to much heartache. But look at that! It is now replaced. Gosh, what a lovely, lovely gift and such a moving message.

But one thing I hold onto every single day is the thought that John loved us all, as we did him.

He wrote a note before he died to let us know that he knew ‘it was time’. He told us to remember how important family is, and added: ‘Your love will be with me forever, and mine with you.’. Can’t say fairer than that, can you?

Take care everyone. God bless.

This time last year, on the first Sunday of November, John had wibble-wobbled out of bed, stood very unsteadily in front of his chair, given a sheepish grin to Andrew who was hovering, and then had sunk gently into it and closed his eyes. Andrew and I had looked at each other and were of the same mind. “Let’s get you back into bed, Dad,” Andrew said softly, as we proceeded to help the ol’ man back up into his bed.

Andrew had attempted to administer some medication, but John’s lips, like his eyes, were firmly closed. We knew what was coming, and for the next three and a half days, the boys and I kept vigil. But it was on that Sunday that I had looked into John’s eyes for one last time. He hadn’t quite known where he was or what he was doing, but there was sheer trust in his eyes as he looked at me and Andrew. For which I shall be forever grateful.

A year on and I have been trying to keep up with the regular events of life as they happen. They have helped to keep me on an even keel and overcome the loss of such a vibrant, full-on, sometimes brash, forever opinionated and loveable man.

So re-wind to last weekend, when it was yet another birthday. Andrew’s this time and….how old is he? Crikey, my baby is thirty-five! Of course, we had to celebrate and have a family meal. What with one thing and another, it wasn’t that simple – the team had other things going on and we had to plan around events. So, it was a lunchtime roast this time, which everyone thoroughly enjoyed.

Here’s a fitting photo…… you can’t keep Andrew out of the kitchen, can you!!?? Mind you, he doesn’t look too happy – I wonder if I cooked the rib of beef right?

After lunch, I sped off up to church where there was a Service of Remembering, which I found very comforting. I’d requested an anthem, which the choir sang well, and John’s name was read out. We held moments of silence as we all remembered our loved ones. There was a solidarity in the sadness somehow.

Back home, while I’d been out, the children had decorated the porch in readiness for Hallowe’en. This has come to be a bit of a tradition, and I was thrilled with the result. So were the Trick or Treaters! They thought it was fab!

I didn’t think too much about it then, but on Hallowe’en itself, as I answered the door to the costumed and maquillaged children, their eyes expectantly turned towards me for a treat offering, I remembered this time last year. The ol’ man was laughing at me and teasing me as I dashed to the door every five minutes. “You enjoy this more than the kids, don’t you?” he’d said. I’d nodded, cos it was true. That memory is a lovely one, but it hurts a bit.

There’ll be more poignant memories to come as the anniversary of John’s death comes and goes, of course, and the festive season approaches. But I wouldn’t want to forget. We had lived and loved, fought and reconciled, laughed and cried together for just over 56 years. I want to remember it all.

Take care everyone. And may God bless you in whatever you are doing and whatever circumstances you find yourselves in.

I love a weekend en famille. There is nothing that soothes the soul more than time spent amongst the free-spirited youngsters and the beautiful grown-ups that my sons have become.

We started last weekend with a trip down to Luton where Gloria was holding her ‘Birthday Bash’. Paul drove all of us in his brand new car, with the exception of Harriet and Danielle, who were under the weather and not up to it.

The pleasure we took in each others’ company on the way down the M1 was prolonged, however, as we hit a long line of traffic, all queuing behind a pile-up somewhere further along the motorway. We’d intended to arrive at the venue about 14.30 – and we were on track. Then we weren’t. Oh! ETA: 14.50. No worries, we’d still arrive in time. Delay expected? 6 minutes. 5 minutes later and the delay was still expected to be 6 minutes! Eeesh….. ETA now just after three o’clock. Sit down for the afternoon tea was 3.p.m. “Shall I text Gloria to tell her we’ll be late?” I wondered. Paul nodded. ETA now 15.15….. ‘OK’ she replied, seemingly unperturbed.

We finally arrived and sat down for a very welcome cup of tea and some sandwiches and cake – and a bouncy castle! Oh my, I was a nervous wreck. The last time I’d been party to a bouncy castle with all the family was at Paul and Harriet’s wedding when Ellie fell and broke her arm. I foresaw all sorts of possibilities. I mean, just look at those tangled limbs!!

As it turned out there wasn’t anything too bad. Just a bit of a bloodbath as William’s nose encountered Thomas’s face as they jumped together, and a nosebleed ensued. The white serviettes turned crimson; William’s trousers blossomed, cerise patterned, from top to bottom; the floor was dotted with carmine-red splodges; and there was a wailing that bothered our ear drums.

Anyway, despite the ‘to-be-expected’ injury, the afternoon tea went down nicely and I’m pretty sure Gloria enjoyed herself. She even had a little bounce, too! Brave woman!!

She survived the bounce and made it in one piece to cut her cake – with a little helper, of course! Alexander was on hand to help Grandma – just in case she couldn’t manage it by herself.

The following day, Sunday, our family fun continued with a roast dinner in the afternoon to celebrate Danielle’s birthday. She made an effort at the dinner table but she wasn’t at all well and had spent much of the afternoon wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa. Bless. She even had to get Oliver to blow her candles out….

At the end of the day, we had had a wonderful time – the kids, especially. I could tell that they had enjoyed themselves because there were pieces of paper all over the computer room where they’d been experimenting with the hole punch.

I could tell that we had enjoyed ourselves because there pots, pans and glasses all over the kitchen, all itching to get into the dishwasher. Paul had carried plates and cutlery into the kitchen and managed to stack most of it into the dishwasher, but there was a surplus.

Michael stared helplessly at the mess, saying, “I’m sorry we’re leaving everything but…..” he didn’t need to say any more. The crockery would find its way into the dishwasher in due course. There was nothing more to do. We turned our backs on the kitchen chaos and enjoyed each others’ company for the rest of the visit. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? The kids, of course, the carnage and the clutter?

Take care everyone. God bless.

I love this time of the year – it’s all birthdays, birthdays, birthdays!!

The season kicks off with William. I was on ‘me hols’ when he had his birthday so I missed the celebrations, but not to worry, he had a great time with his friends at his Lego Party. I had made a small contribution to the Lego submarine he’d wanted, and he was up at 6.30 a.m. the following day apparently, cracking on and getting started….

…..and by lunchtime, it was finished!! Amazing, aren’t they, these kids and their Lego?

As I got back from my holiday at the end of September, we celebrated Christiana’s 40th birthday. A family get-together at Christiana’s house where the little cousins, along with the grown-ups, could go crazy and thoroughly enjoy the festivities; and then, in the evening, a pub get-together with all her mates – which I gate-crashed. Here are the little cousins going crazy……hehehe!! There’s nothing so absorbing as somebody else’s toys, is there?

The afternoon event was lovely – just gentle, which suited my mood – and the weather was good. I wasn’t up for a really big bash! I’d arrived back from Athens the day before, and went on to Gloria’s where she very kindly put me up overnight ready for the day of the party. Lovely to catch up with everyone and see the grand-nephews.

Gloria, of course, made the cake…..which was beautifully decorated and delicious, as always.

The Kenilworth contingent made it to the party, with the Newbies – much to the excitement of the children – arriving and going home via multiple trains in the afternoon; and the Originals travelling down to the evening event, so I was able to cadge a lift home, much to my excitement cos they’ve got a new car!!! Nice to be driven home in luxury!

Michael’s birthday follows in mid-October, with Danielle’s hard on its heels. I know we can always guarantee warmer weather for a day or two at this time of the year. Michael’s birthday, warmth weather-wise, has never let me down yet! It was a nice day here in the Midlands. However, with the current weather systems in place, it apparently absolutely threw it down with rain as he and Danielle travelled to Wales to celebrate their birthdays in style at the Ynyshir Restaurant in Wales where Andrew works.

It transpires that they had a grand old time while they were there and were thrilled with the experience though – absolutely loving the food, drink and general atmosphere. They also enjoyed lodging in the Garden Room, with its mahoosive bathtub, log fire and rural view.

Andrew, meanwhile, was hard at work……. never mind, Andy, you’ve got a week off following your birthday in a week’s time, when someone else will be cooking for you!! Something to look forward to.

Of course, I was delighted to be able to look after the Kenilworth Newby children while Michael and Danielle were away. And with one extra for tea, we made a play date of it on Wednesday! The kids were all as good as gold and great company.

Naturally, the talk was all about ‘Daddy’s birthday’, so a cake had to be made. The children helped prepare the mix ready for the oven, and then rummaged to their hearts content in the cake decoration box – or, as Freddie would call it, the ‘Teddy Box’ – and absolutely went to town adorning the cake with icing, candles, a footballer, cars, banners, sprinkles and so on…… they had a ball!.

Daddy was pleased with his cake when he came home the next day to sample it though – mind you, it’s not clear what Oliver was thinking,…. hehehe….. It could be that he’s just zoned out, of course. He decided a nap wasn’t for him yesterday afternoon and he sat in his cot, chanting, ‘Nap! Nap! Nap! Not nap! Not nap! Not nap!’ Hmmm….. made me giggle.

Nipping in between Michael, Danielle and Andrew’s birthday, is Gloria’s. This year, she reaches the big Seven-Zero and celebrations are afoot tomorrow for another party. Another family get-together which is a very good thing. Got to make the most of it while we can, eh?

Take care everyone. God bless.

In a month’s time, it will be anniversary of John’s death. Naturally, my thoughts have turned back to those desperate months leading up to the event, in which Mum also died, when we made great efforts and put strategies in place to try and stave off the inevitable. And I’ve discovered that so far, time is not yet a healer. In fact, those Job’s Comforters around me like to tell me that ‘the second year is the worst‘. Cheers – thanks for that. I’ll gird my loins.

I’ve also discovered that the past year has revealed some amazing things (which I’ve probably described before – sorry): friends who have really stepped up to help me and keep me sane; family who have been there whenever I’ve needed them; leisure activities which have kept me focused on something other than being bereft; nature that has such healing properties; poetry which I’ve always enjoyed, but now seems to have a deeper significance; and writing which seems to soothe the soul.

All of these things have been available to me for ever previously, but they have not always delivered such a punch that makes me acknowledge their wondrousness. Heightened and honed by bereavement, my eye sometimes sees things dulled and tiresome; and yet, at others, it sees those very same things as sparkling and interesting. The Big Dipper of life has never felt quite so intimate and close. But, I’m taking my time.

In amongst the hectic-ness of everyday stuff, such as another funeral, Prayer Group, Yoga, Quiz Night, Centre Stage (the Murder Mystery offshoot), coffee/lunch with friends, babysitting and so on, I am definitely finding time for some reflection and some down time in which I can addle my brain and (sometimes) prevent it from racing. I acknowledge that this is now my mantra: Take Your Time. I’ll let you know how I get on…….

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Graham sent some holiday photos that he’d taken and which I think are smashing, so I thought I’d share – but beware!! I may share more another day because he’s taken some real crackers!!

Lunch in Dubrovnik…..

On the island of Lokrum. There were loads of peacocks – here’s one that took a fancy to Gail!

And here we are just by the gorgeous blue sea on that same island – I’d had a lovely paddle!

God bless, everyone.